It’s that moment you dread with every fiber of your being. That phone call that you wish would never have come through. After waiting on biopsy results for almost two weeks, it’s those three little words that stop you dead in your tracks, “It’s a sarcoma.”
It seems like it isn’t even happening to you, like you are watching it on some awful Lifetime T.V. movie and you can’t find the remote to change the channel. It truly feels like it’s happening to someone else until you realize those screams that you are hearing, that can only be described as the yowls of a feral cat in heat, are coming from your mouth. I don’t think I’ve cried that hard or for that long in quite some time. My brain just could not comprehend what I had just heard and it felt like I had blown a circuit. How can I have cancer AGAIN!? How is this even possible? How is it that after three excruciating surgeries, months spent in physical therapy learning how to walk again and the seemingly endless grueling sessions of chemotherapy that almost killed me, could I possibly have cancer AGAIN!? Having survived Osteosarcoma once before, to think that I am back at square one is positively devastating. That time period just seemed to drag on endlessly, like molasses on a frozen January night. I feel like I didn’t even get to enjoy being a cancer survivor long enough before it decided to re-enter my life. I had a tiny window of about 4 weeks before I started having a “mysterious” pain in my hip. 4 weeks where I was mobile without a wheelchair, cane or crutch. 4 weeks where I actually felt human again and not like a patient. In the blink of an eye everything changed. This whole thing is just so unreal to me.
I haven’t slept since I got the news yesterday afternoon. Every time I close my eyes I hear random chatter and revisit memories that I thought for sure were dead and buried and could never come back to haunt me. Now they are all I can think about, all I can see. My worst fears have become realized and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it.
Telling people about this, breaking this news to your loved ones is beyond painful. My heart aches with every exasperated sigh, every voice quivering, every cry to a higher power. Saying the words “I have cancer again” just sits like a coating on your tongue. You can barely get them out and when you do you almost laugh. Because it just seems so completely absurd. Life itself just seems so absurd.