Anticipation…

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Tomorrow is the big day. The day I have been dreading all week long. I feel like my heart is beating so strongly it’s going to burst through my chest. I know what is going to happen. I know everyone at the hospital, the nurses, the doctors the staff. I know what color the chemo is going to be. I know I will likely be visited by my oncologist, a social worker and a nutritionist. I know my mother is going to be with me the entire 6-7 hours I will be there. I know what the rooms look like, how to work the remote for the TV. That there’s heated blankets in the hallway and where all the bathrooms are. I know just about every damn thing there is to know and yet I am fucking terrified right now. I don’t know how I am going to get through this again, I’m not sure how I did the first time. I guess there are no real words of encouragement that can help me to feel better about tomorrow because thankfully, most people I know have no clue what this whole experience is like. I guess this is just one of those things that you’re never ready to begin. It’s the kind of thing you have to not put too much thought into, hard as that may be, and just do it. Like jumping into the deep end head first. I just need to hold my breath and take the plunge. I know this is what I have to do and that I really don’t have any choice in the matter (death really isn’t an option for me). I have to try to stop thinking about my past experience and hope for a brighter future. Now let’s just hope I can sleep for more than an hour… 

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