No one really wants to feel pain. Physical pain in itself is pretty bad. To me, the worst part of being in physical pain, by far, is the emotional pain it inevitably brings with it. I never really made the correlation until recently but when you are in constant physical pain, your mind starts to inadvertently go over to the dark side. Sure, you can distract yourself with T.V., books or company but it’s there. Maybe being in physical pain reminds you of the times you were in a terrible emotional state and so the old memories just start to flood back in. Or perhaps they’re always there but when you’re healthy and active, you manage to keep these feelings at bay to get through your day to day life. Unfortunately at this point in time, I am neither healthy nor active so it’s no wonder my emotional pain has seemed to return, uninvited. Sometimes it feels like these upsetting thoughts are just going to take you over, from stupid shit you know you should not be thinking about anymore, like the breakup you still aren’t over from 8 months back, to remembering when your Grandmother, who was your best friend, died suddenly 11 years ago. These were times when you felt heartbroken, helpless, lost and alone. I guess it makes sense to be thinking of these things now because much like cancer, there isn’t a damn thing you can do to change the reality of any of it and while the support is there for me during this painful time, the emotions are the same. People leave you despite your unyielding love for them and they never come back, not from the grave and not from the women they left you for. Cancer comes into your life and there’s no rhyme or reason as to why and try as you’d like, there’s no denying the cold hard truth. All of these things are deep-seated invisible hurts that one must deal with and eventually move on from, but it doesn’t really dull the pain in the meantime. I know all of these events will one day become very distant memories, for now I sit with these grievances and pray that time does indeed heal all wounds.