Pain, Pain, Go Away…

woman-with-broken-heart-pop-art1

No one really wants to feel pain.  Physical pain in itself is pretty bad.   To me, the worst part of being in physical pain, by far, is the emotional pain it inevitably brings with it.  I never really made the correlation until recently but when you are in constant physical pain, your mind starts to inadvertently go over to the dark side.  Sure, you can distract yourself with T.V., books or company but it’s there.  Maybe being in physical pain reminds you of the times you were in a terrible emotional state and so the old memories just start to flood back in. Or perhaps they’re always there but when you’re healthy and active, you manage to keep these feelings at bay to get through your day to day life.  Unfortunately at this point in time, I am neither healthy nor active so it’s no wonder my emotional pain has seemed to return, uninvited.  Sometimes it feels like these upsetting thoughts are just going to take you over, from stupid shit you know you should not be thinking about anymore, like the breakup you still aren’t over from 8 months back, to remembering when your Grandmother, who was your best friend, died suddenly 11 years ago.  These were times when you felt heartbroken, helpless, lost and alone.  I guess it makes sense to be thinking of these things now because much like cancer, there isn’t a damn thing you can do to change the reality of any of it and while the support is there for me during this painful time, the emotions are the same.  People leave you despite your unyielding love for them and they never come back, not from the grave and not from the women they left you for. Cancer comes into your life and there’s no rhyme or reason as to why and try as you’d like, there’s no denying the cold hard truth.  All of these things are deep-seated invisible hurts that one must deal with and eventually move on from, but it doesn’t really dull the pain in the meantime.  I know all of these events will one day become very distant memories, for now I sit with these grievances and pray that time does indeed heal all wounds.

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3 thoughts on “Pain, Pain, Go Away…

  1. This entry of yours really hit me.
    I have the same exact thoughts when I am in pain from my past Lyme Disease infections. The symptoms will be with me forever on and off, and sometimes I get sick or extremely high inflammation, or feel so tired I sleep for days without getting up, barely even for the bathroom.
    Most of the time it’s out of nowhere, and I just get so angry and then it leads me to think of all the people who always thought/think I’m faking the chronic pain or that I’m lazy or stubborn. No one gets it.
    Then it makes me think of all the things I’ll probably never be able to do, or if I do them how I’ll feel like dying after, or I’ll have to be evacuated during. I’m so scared I’ll never be understood by a significant other, even when they say they do. I’m so scared I’ll never come to terms with it, myself.
    And then it makes me even angrier and depressed that my mother had it 22 years ago and it’s ruined her life, and she has permanent damage from it not being caught quick enough or treated correctly and she’s still in pain and had so much taken away from her from this stupid little tick on a walk out with our dog.
    Chronic pain, physical and/or emotional is so personal, and you should never be ashamed of it. It’s inevitable that we are, but we shouldn’t be.
    If you ever want to or need to talk to someone who understands it, please contact me.
    My mother had the same experience with the pic line, actually. She passed out and they couldn’t even do it for her at all. She was in a hospital bed with a home nurse for a year when I was 8 years old because of the Lyme, in our house, getting IV treatment everyday. I blocked most of it out, but I do remember some. It was miserable and I’m still so angry and any of my pain now makes me get very emotional as well, thinking about what she must have felt, too, and still feels today.
    I finally understand chronic pain because I experience it. Otherwise, no matter what anyone says, they just aren’t capable of comprehending the intensity of it, both emotional and physical.
    Just know you are not alone. You are never alone. ❤

    Like

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