Nervous Nelly

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Ifosfamide. The mere mention of the word stops my blood cold. I can’t think about it without my pulse racing or feeling like there is suddenly no air in the room. Or bursting into tears. These last three days since my doctors decided this was a necessary treatment has been filled with sudden teary outbursts. I feel like I am on the verge of losing at least 10 times a day, as if every emotion is just sitting on the surface, waiting to be released.  I’m terrified to do this treatment again today. The first time I did it, I felt like I was going to die. I thought that if I went to sleep, that would be it. I would never wake up. I could barely open my eyes without wanting to vomit. It was honestly so bad for me that I blocked it out. Every now and again while I was in remission I would smell something that reminded me of the putrid fragrance of it and I would have PTSD-like flashbacks and immediately go into a panic.  In my wildest nightmares did I ever think I would be doing this again. But unfortunately for me, I don’t really have any choice in the matter. I am praying hard that this will be nothing like it was the first time and that everything will be great. But fear and terror are whispering otherwise. I know it’s only a week and a half of my life but I’m scared, I really am. Somehow I need to pull it together and get out my front door right now. G-d please help me.

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