Today I’m feeling like I’m going to burst. Like there is something inside of me that needs to be released but there’s no way out. I can literally feel a blockage. Something pushing down hard, keeping everything inside. There’s a dam built up high deep within, holding back the floodgate. I’ve tried to cry a few times but it never came to fruition. I wish I could reach inside my chest and pull out all of the weight I feel pushing me under, but I can’t. The heaviness swallows me up whole and all I can do is let it. I have so many thoughts and emotions no one can touch, no one can see. No one ever will. Things I would never want anyone to know. I long to be relaxed, to be loose, to be carefree and content. To cast off the stone that weighs me down and to fly. To trade pain for ecstasy, fear for valor, despair for hope. This ache is too much to bear today. Every day is different when you are being held captive by your own body. A body I once loved and showed proudly to the world is now the same body I want to hide and keep locked away. I wish someone could just come and kiss this all away like it’s been nothing but a bad dream. But it’s just me. I’m alone. And as much as I wish it could be, life isn’t a fairy tale.
No one really wants to feel pain. Physical pain in itself is pretty bad. To me, the worst part of being in physical pain, by far, is the emotional pain it inevitably brings with it. I never really made the correlation until recently but when you are in constant physical pain, your mind starts to inadvertently go over to the dark side. Sure, you can distract yourself with T.V., books or company but it’s there. Maybe being in physical pain reminds you of the times you were in a terrible emotional state and so the old memories just start to flood back in. Or perhaps they’re always there but when you’re healthy and active, you manage to keep these feelings at bay to get through your day to day life. Unfortunately at this point in time, I am neither healthy nor active so it’s no wonder my emotional pain has seemed to return, uninvited. Sometimes it feels like these upsetting thoughts are just going to take you over, from stupid shit you know you should not be thinking about anymore, like the breakup you still aren’t over from 8 months back, to remembering when your Grandmother, who was your best friend, died suddenly 11 years ago. These were times when you felt heartbroken, helpless, lost and alone. I guess it makes sense to be thinking of these things now because much like cancer, there isn’t a damn thing you can do to change the reality of any of it and while the support is there for me during this painful time, the emotions are the same. People leave you despite your unyielding love for them and they never come back, not from the grave and not from the women they left you for. Cancer comes into your life and there’s no rhyme or reason as to why and try as you’d like, there’s no denying the cold hard truth. All of these things are deep-seated invisible hurts that one must deal with and eventually move on from, but it doesn’t really dull the pain in the meantime. I know all of these events will one day become very distant memories, for now I sit with these grievances and pray that time does indeed heal all wounds.